Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
