I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
