I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
