i can't believe i had my finger in that
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
