i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
