My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm like, not good at living.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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