I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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