is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
