yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
