What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
