They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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