Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
