Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
