don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
