My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
