I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think my moral compass just broke
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