my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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