Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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