I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
