I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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