We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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