Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
