Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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