i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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