I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
