I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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