When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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