my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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