Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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