you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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