Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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