Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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