dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
