I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
