if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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