: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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