Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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