Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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