Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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