i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
