I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
