Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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