There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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