I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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