its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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