He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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