My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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