I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
