Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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