Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
